President Obama has announced the nomination of Robert A. Mandell as the US Ambassador to Luxembourg. He is the Chief Executive Officer of a real estate and two mall development companies in Central Florida. Please see here what the Huffington Post has found out:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/29/obama-donor-robert-mandel_n_887061.html
There you have it. Just like his predecessor Cynthia Stroum, Robert Mandell has been a donor and fund raiser for President Obama's election campaign. That was the easiest part. Ask Cynthia Stroum. After just one year at her post, she got quite an earful from "The General Inspector". That name sounds scary. Though Luxembourg loved her, she had to go. She says, she has been wrongfully accused. I know that Luxembourgers have considered the various accounts of wrongdoing she was tagged with as peccadilloes. But that's us: we live on large footprints and do more in generalities, not the focused particularizations on concrete matters of a meticulous audit. So our Embassies don't need Inspector Generals. Luxembourg developed its own dynamic self regulation processes. But again, back to Cynthia Stroum: we called her Madam, in remembrance of Irving Berlin's musical "Call Me Madam!" I always thought there should be a sequel. What about "Call Me Monsieur"? Which reminds me of John Wayne. Not that he played in "Call Me Madam". But he played in "Comancheros", where he tried a thousand times to call his co-star Whitman "Monsieur". It took me a while to get that he meant to say "Monsieur" when he said "Monn-Dzioor". So it is a tongue breaker. We'll have to advise if that title is adequate for a sequel. In the meantime, we can give plenty of advice to Monsieur, based on Irving Berlin's musical, Pearl Mesta's and Cynthia Stroum's adventures in foreign lands and my own deep, deep insights into diplomacy.
There will be hearings first. We would love to contribute to your mandatory initial statement and say, that Luxembourg is of such an importance that it goes way beyond its size, it is everywhere in the front peloton: founding member of the UN, NATO and the European Union. You might want to kick in BeNeLux, the OECD, and the promising Schleck brothers in the Tour de France. We are the richest country on Earth and all the other planets, with trillions of dollars lying around. Therefore we also promised to take one prisoner from Gitmo. Yep, trillions. So someone has to come over and see when we are going to make good on the Gitmo promise. You did doctor the video with our SOS from that day, didn't you? You can also say that we are not a tax haven and don't qualify for Barney Frank's planned judicial haven benchmarks. We are very hard working people, to keep things the way they are, even after you find out what we are doing. It is politically very correct to mention the Luxembourg-American Cultural Society, based in Belgium, Wisconsin. Belgium!? And also the Luxembourg-American Chamber of Commerce, based in New York. I'll see you there!
Benefiting from Pearl Mesta's and Cynthia Stroum's experience, I would say, double check where Luxembourg is. Pearl Mesta got lost in the Belgian Province of Luxembourg upon her arrival. Those Belgians feed on our excellent reputation.
The Embassy in Luxembourg might look empty. I understand that most of the staff applied for positions in Afghanistan to escape hardship in Luxembourg. I would definitely keep the queen size mattress. It was bought by a democrat and the country can't really accept king size mattresses. Those restrictions are based on its limited territory of 999 square miles. You might have to man the Embassy's outside surveillance cameras yourself as everybody left. Be aware that some guys in Luxembourg have criticized those as an intrusion of their privacy! They will show up making faces to the camera. I would for sure investigate where the equivalent of $2,400 of wine went, that Cynthia Stroum left there. The wine still should be there, because I know for a fact that Cynthia Stroum didn't drink it. She had 3 glasses in 30 years. Go ask her!
Don't expect to meet the Prime Minister of Luxembourg. He is home, but exclusively in Europe. He is berating the Greek and other PIIGS because he is Monsieur too, but Monsieur Euro only. He would have liked to become Monsieur Europe, but he got outfoxed by Monsieur Van Rompuy. You won't meet him either, because he is Belgian. Van isn't his first name, but that is an aristocratic prefix you could buy from broke aristocrats some time ago. The sale is no longer available.
Don't expect to meet our SOS either. He is also our Vice Prime Minister. I call him Jang, but in America you would spell that Zhang. No, he doesn't live in Chinatown. We haven't any yet. Jang will be in Zimbabwe, Tonga, Vanuatu, Congo and basically every place where a guy can decide to vote for Luxembourg as a future member of the UN Security Council. Keep your veto handy, here we are coming. Except for Israel though, I don't believe you'll have bad behavior. And on key strategies, such as pulling back from Afghanistan, I assume we'll follow closely the US lead, and withdraw 3 soldiers in July 2012, and the remaining 4 a week later.
I know, Monsieur, that as a real estate professional, your choice of Luxembourg hasn't been left to chance. You chose location, location, location. It is a very nice place to be. Getting bored? Rome, Paris, Berlin, London etc. all are just one hour away. But don't try beating boredom by moonlighting, building malls in Luxembourg. The building permit will take 7 years to get, then you have to fight a lawsuit from those against, another 7 years, and then you have to go to the Human Rights Court in Strasbourg, because justice delayed is Justice denied. You could however build just across the border in Belgium, next to Ikea. Those guys had no patience and gave up prematurely on Luxembourg, after only a handful of years trying to get a permit. Now, on the three days where the sun shines, people can watch Ikea's growing shadow totally enveloping Luxembourg before sunset. It's the Ikea eclipse.
And Monsieur, before closing my eyes after all these eye-openers, may I wish you the best of luck and success in your new career.
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